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| Domestic Violence |
"What if all men who abuse women and children had to go hide in a shelter,
depending on donations and counselling to get by
while their family went peacefully on about their business?"
Source: Fresno Bee 05-06-99 Tribute to the Majaree Mason Center
Often the most difficult task of an abused spouse or partner
is recognizing that the abuse is not 'normal' or 'your fault'.
* National D.V. Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE *
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| Early Signs of an Abusive Relationship |
Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that their jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. The abuser may question their partner about who they talk to, accuse of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with family, friends, or children. As the jealously progresses, the abuser may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the partner work for fear they will meet someone else. The abuser may check car mileage or ask children/friends to watch the partner.
Controlling Behavior
In the beginning the abuser may say that this behavior is because they are concerned for the partner's safety, need to use time well, or need to make good decisions. The abuser may be angry if the partner comes back from the store or an appointment late and may question them about where they went and who they talked to. As this behavior increases in intensity the abuser may not let the partner make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or out with friends. The abuser may keep all of the money requiring the partner to ask for grocery money, etc.
Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expect the partner to be the perfect wife, parent, lover, or friend. They may make statements such as: "If you love me I am all you need, and you are all I need." The abuser may expect the partner to take care of all the abuser's emotional needs.
Isolation
The abuser may attempt to isolate the partner from friends and family. If the partner is female/heterosexual and has male friends she may be called a ‘whore’. If the partner is female/heterosexual and has female friends she may be called a ‘lesbian’. If the partner has close family connections they may be called ‘childish’. The abuser may accuse the partner's support system of being ‘trouble makers’. The abuser may want to move to a new place or live without a phone and may limit the partner's use of the car to prevent them from going to school or work.
Blaming for Problems or Behaviors
They abuser may blame the partner for employment related problems. They may make mistakes and then blame the partner for upsetting them and keeping them from concentrating on doing their job. The abuser may blame the partner for almost anything they perceive as being done to them. The abuser may tell the partner "you make me mad" and "I wouldn’t have to do this if you hadn’t done that". Everyone is responsible for their own feelings, thoughts and choices but the abuser may use these false statements to manipulate the partner.
Cruelty to Children or Pets
The abuser may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability or tease children or younger siblings. They may not want to eat at the table with children, or they may expect children to stay in their rooms all evening. Pets may be mistreated or killed.
Force In Sex
The abuser may like to restrain the partner during sex. They may want to act out fantasies during sex where the partner is a victim and is helpless. The abuser may show little concern about whether the partner wants to have sex and may use sulking, anger, or guilt to manipulate them into compliance. The abuser may begin having sex while the partner is still asleep, or demand sex even though the partner is tired or sick.
Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurful, the abuser may degrade the partner, curse them, and minimize their accomplishments. The abuser may tell the partner that they are stupid and unable to function on their own. This may take place in conjunction with sleep deprivation, where the abuser wakes the partnerr in the night to verbally assault or interrogate them.
Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde
The abuser may have confusing changes in mood; one minute they are nice and the next minute they explode, as if they have a mental problem or are ‘crazy’. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Past Battering
The abuser may say that they have hit their partners in the past, but that they were 'driven to it'. The partner may hear from the relatives or ex-partners that this person is abusive.
Threats of Violence
This would include any threat of physical force meant to control. Some common examples could be: "I’ll hit you if you mouth off", "I will kill you", and "Don’t make me hurt you". Most people do not threaten their partners but the abuser will try to excuse this behavior by saying that everyone talks like that when they get mad.
Breaking or Throwing Objects
This behavior can be used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions) but is mostly used by the abuser to terrorize the partner into submission. The abuser may beat on a table with their fist or throw objects around/near the partner.
Force During An Argument
This may involve the abuser holding the partner down, physically restraining them from leaving a room, or any pushing/shoving. The abuser may hold the partner against the wall and say "You are going to listen to me".
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